SoC Numero Cinco

I shouldn't have had sex with Jon. I don't know what I was thinking. Well, I do, but I should have stopped. It's just that again, I've been so numb lately.

Great: I'm acting like a typical borderline. I guess at least I'm being slightly more responsible: it's just one person rather than a lot. But that doesn't make it any less stupid. You would think that the slip-up last night would have made me think straighter, but noooo... Of course not. Idiot.

I just feel so empty. Several minutes before I got on here, I wanted to cut, and if I had been in my room I would have. But I'm posting this in Jon's. And though I know he has knives and probably something else I could use if I wanted to get creative, I don't want to freak him out by my chaotic search, or risk him waking up (if I could somehow keep myself under control) to find me cutting myself in his room with his stuff. That's too much.

Shit just really sucks right now. I don't know. I sorta want to escape, and I don't necessarily mean move to Colorado or anything, but drugs, alcohol, driving fast, something to get hormones, adrenaline, going in my body. I'm so numb now to everything, so freaking detached, and I need some kind of high in order to get the slightest bit of feelings.

But whatever. I'm done posting for now. This was actually a serious Stream of Consciousness. Sorta sux, but what happens, happens, right?

Popcorn.

Adios.

In Jennifer's Words

Worthless piece of shit. Why do you think you even stand a chance of winning Jonathan's affection? You're a fat, ugly, stupid, good-at-nothing waste of air. He will come to hate and loathe you just like everybody else does: like you do. He will leave you like David, betray you like Michael. He will break promises, force tears, and draw out your vulnerable side, just to crush it and forget it in the dust.

Stop deluding yourself you stupid bitch. Why would he ever want you?