Jennifer

ok- well i wrote on dreamless slumber about the voice in my head. i'll tell you one thing: it's not better: if anything- worse. joy...

but yeah- over xmas i actually ate normally- i think i gained about 5 lbs- and not necessarily healthily. but yeah- i'm losing it now. yes- i am quite aware that i should be gaining weight: but that weight was not gained healthily. and yes, i know i'm being a hypocrite, talking about gaining weight healthily when i am unnecessarily losing weight unhealthily (is that redundant?). it's all the little voice's fault. but yeah.... *sigh* i think i weigh about 110 or something right now. my "healthy" weight (yes, i am 100% aware that it really is healthy, but not in my mind, and that's what we're talking about) is about 117-120. or something like that. bone structure, age, height and all... *shiver* i'm sorry. i just couldn't... stand... to be that weight. and it's not that anybody that weight or over is fat: i am definitely NOT saying that... i know it's this weird view and all... and i have my reasoning... i'm the type of person who can't believe something without a ton of proof. you people know that. it's just... my reasons are... skewed, and... i can't really explain... ugh.

ok- as to feelings of self-worth. um... not there? i just feel like everything is falling apart and it's all my fault. etc. ok- to those people whose names are about to come up: i am sorry: i know i don't really feel this way... it's just- this stupid thinking and paranoia, and i know you care... i'm just really messed up right now: so pls forgive me.
david: he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me: possibly the best. there's just stupid stuff going on in my head that the voice (which carrie and i have dubbed "jennifer") keeps telling me anytime i think about him... which is a lot. stupid stuff i have already gotten over: cuts that have already healed: jennifer's opening them up again. when he cheated on me with angela, the fact that he moved, the fact he thought it would be easier to split when he did move, the times he said he'd call and didn't, the fact that he won't talk to me: carrie and david know what i'm talking about. well- that wound is still open, but not the point. and the voice keeps telling me "if he really cares like he says he does, why did he do all of this? how could he hurt you like that?" and i know that he was really sorry for the shit with angela, he didn't want to move, that it's not easy to open up (which i know), that he did decide to stay with me, etc. i'm just so weak and worn out from fighting to believe this stuff it seems almost too easy to give in. but i don't. even then, these poisonous words have found a way to leech themselves into my veins. my thoughts are ever tinted. i still love him with all my heart, but there are tainted doubts. i guess everyone has doubts at one time or another. but everything seemed so pure when we first started out. of course: i could be blinded, or be convincing myself that it was perfect. i really don't know.
carrie: carrie has been a blessing in my life. when i first met her, just about a year ago, i never would have imagined how close we would have gotten, how she would have been there for me. jennifer can't really say much about her. and when she does, it's all stupid stuff: like when she has to get off the phone. and then there is always the idea that she doesn't really care: she will use this all against me eventually. she is secretly making it worse. stupid stuff i could easily disprove... but for some reason... can't. it seems like the voice is drawing all of my energy and strength into it and using it against me.
rachel: rachel is right up there with carrie: someone i can have fun with, someone i can talk to. we have/had more in common than anyone else: probably even carrie... to a point. rachel and me was more of an emotional/mental state, while carrie is more of an action/self-view type thing. rachel: however, is doing better than she was last year, for which i am happy for her. but there are times i think she is farther away from me bc we don't have as much in common: in a way, still glad that she is out of this darkness: but it was easier when i could share it with someone. she spends a lot of time with brandon now: i'm glad she's happy with him. but i don't get the chance to do stuff with her: she's almost ALWAYS with him, or so it seems.
alan: alan's awesome. though i don't talk to him about all this stuff, he knows about it: reading it here, and noticing it at school. we talk about a lot of deep stuff though... just not "me" deep stuff. we share a lot of views, likes, dislikes. despite us having had different lives up to this point, and different belief systems, we get along surprisingly well. again: voice doesn't have much stuff to say. stupid stuff; when he has to get off the phone, or when he plays magic. (lol) none of it is justifiable. and yet the voice finds a way to spread doubt.
stewart: i used to be able to talk to stewart... something happened in the 2nd nine wks. i really am not quite sure what. it's just... like something somehow... snapped. *sigh* he has sarah now: i'm happy he's happy, but... it doesn't really seem... right. i'm afraid he's going to get hurt. however, it's his decision. but when he started going out with sarah, he... changed somehow. i don't know. it's not that he was happier... just... different. and now, at lunch, and before and after school, it's sorta hard for him to talk, since his mouth is always engaged with hers. there's still the bus... but... *shrug* in any case, the voice says stupid stuff: when he has to get off the phone, and when he's making out with sarah. i'm not jealous: stew and i just wouldn't work out like that: we tried it: and it was awkward as anything- in fact, after we broke up, we got closer if anything. but... i guess i am having some abandoment stuff? i don't really know how to describe it. stupid stuff again.
daniel: daniel is cool. when he's not depressed as fuck, we have fun talking, playing around. biting- lol! but the voice says stupid stuff like "he's depressed cuz he's around you" and shit like that. freaking-lovely! not

hm... ok- this stuff is going to be so weird: just... don't say anything. david: don't get the wrong idea.

justin: (smith, down in white hall) justin was my first love. plain and simple. when i went out with him, it was great. then we broke up. it was horrible. we didn't talk for about 5-6 months. next time we talked, i was going out with rusty, and that just got... weird. in a way, i regret that kiss, in a way, i don't. it's hard to explain. hm... justin said something once: in a comment. about how he had only met a few people in the world he wanted to stop time with: i was one of them. the same goes for him. i can't help it. he is one of the top 10 ppl in my life. and even if he changes, or i don't talk to him, the memory of him will always stick. i hope to talk to him and have him as a friend forever. will that happen? possibly, possibly not. but he was one of the people who will always be in my heart and my memory. he's going out with lisa... last i heard... about a month ago. he seemed really happy about it. i'm happy for him. but i can't help but remember those months we didn't talk. and the fact that we don't talk much now, even tho i know we are both busy and have our own separate lives. i can't help but want it to be back to the way it was before we were going out. of course, that can never happen, but... oh well.

rusty: what can i say? i loved him. we were friends for a year. i still remember that day in summer band when i asked somebody to get between me and this guy (who was utterly annoying), and rusty pushed him aside and said, "hi, i'm rusty, what's you're name?" we ended up going out, then that got messed up, but we were still friends. then: all of a sudden, i stop getting calls. february comes: i get a call: it's him. we talk. we end up singing what used to be "our song" he says he has to go. tells me he loves me still. i don't hear from him. still standing: maybe i'll see him when i go down to white hall soon. we never got any real closure, cuz even after we broke up in sept, we kept on acting like we were going out, all the way into november (still 2004), saying i love you, etc. i don't know. i KNOW that it's over. there aren't any loose ends. there are still shadows of stuff though. i am totally david's right now. but we never 110% cut it off. we never really got a chance. it was like... 100% i guess, sorta kinda... but there were empty spots... it pisses me off bc we never did. we should have. i couldn't possibly feel for rusty the way i feel for david, but there is something there left over, just a memory: and i want it gone. but back to the whole abandonment issues: the whole fact that he didnt' call: hasn't. even tho there is nothing left there other than friendship, it hurts he hasn't contacted me in almost a year. he is another in the top 10 ppl in my life. his dedication to those he loved inspired me. and his determination to keep trying, despite all the conflicts he encountered.

all these people have been gifts: lights in times of darkness: and yet that insecurity which has tainted me: poisoned my veins and my heart, is trying it's hardest to convince me of their hatred and loathing for me. the fact that they really don't care. i know it's not true, but the paranoia and abandonment issues are still active. yeah... really crappy. i just hope all these ppl can forgive me for thinking these things: i don't really mean it. it's out of my control now. deep down, i know it's not true. and you are going to have to trust that that will win out eventually. until then, pls don't give up on me, i'm trying. or at least as much as i can.

better- or getting there

ok- well: i think i am actually getting better. when i went down to ms i wasn't thinking about my weight or cutting or anything. my cuts have healed btw: so obv they weren't that bad. i dunno: actually i think i am having a better view overall of my life right now. i'm more optimistic. not as negative. i don't think i am going to purposely put myself thru all this shit anymore: why should i? *sigh* yrs wasted. i'm not saying i am going to turn over a new leaf in one night. the progress will be gradual. but it will be progress. i could use it. also: i think i am not going to cling to things causing me pain or anguish anymore: no matter how much i am attached to it. and i'm not talking about being attached to the pain and anguish. more of ... memories of how things used to be on that subject. what i think i am going to do is try to rid myself of my painful memories and things that are causing me pain now... well: not so much as rid myself of the memories: but resolve those matters. and the things causing me pain now: either drop them or resolve them also. they are holding me down: holding me back. i can't move on unless i release them. this will be my resolution. my goal is to do all this by the new year: a time of new beginnings truly. we shall have to see how it goes.

Blunt opaqueness of my life...

ok... well. today was interesting... so was sunday for that matter... last sunday i mean. but yeah.

last sunday my dad walked into the living room while i was watching tv. he held up two razor blades i was missing (yeah, i was cutting again: yes, i know it sux, yes i should stop: i know exactly what you're thinking. i will: but stuff has been bad lately: and yes, there is nothing productive gained by it. but yeah: i was an idiot... again.) and said "what are these?" as if it wasn't obvious. and i was like "razor blades", he said "what were you doing with them?" "cutting" said i, (lol: i am in a weird sense of humor right now: shut up), then he asked where, when, i told him, then he asked if he could see them, i was like hell no, he asked if i wanted to talk, i was like if i wanted to talk, i would have done that b4, so no, and could he go away the commercial was almost over. so yeah...

then, last night he made a humongous deal out of me going to bed, and i was like "why do you make a big deal out of me going to bed and not the cutting crap or the anorexia or bulimia or any or the other stuff, he was like, should i? omg... anyway... so yeah, since i wanted to and he didn't care or whatever... or it was less important than the fact that i should go to bed, i went ahead and cut again (yes, i know, stupid stupid stupid... i get the idea now, ok?) and then this morning he came into my room, and asked about cutting, asked when the last time i did it was, and i was like..."well i'm not sure if it was last night or this morning... somewhere in that time frame." and he asked why i didn't talk to him. so i was like "1, you can't relate, 2, since you can't relate, you can't help, and 3, since you can't help, it's pretty much a pointless waste of time."... yeah. i have been really blunt with my parents lately, simply bc of the fact i don't care anymore. about that in any case. i mean, i want to get better, don't get me wrong on that account. but i don't care about hiding stuff from them as much anymore. they can deal with it. plus i am nowhere near as bad as i was in the 8th grade... joy. but yeah. *sigh*

i wonder if the same thing is going to happen next sunday...?

Stable... or so it seems.

Ok- well, I guess I'm pretty stable... though not necessarily in the best way anymore. *sigh* I don't know- I guess I'll sorta glaze everything: meant in both senses: touch everything, and yet also sugar coat it: and I'm sorry, but ... it's still sorta hard to face some stuff going on now, let alone tell you it, so...

ok- well- bipolar is kicking in again: but like... i think it's mainly because of all the stress there was on me this past week; speaking of, so has ocd *laughs* you should have seen me on thursday obsessing over the pentagram. and friday and saturday over people's uniforms during the football game and war memorial. it was great.

anorexia and bulemia... well... i haven't been obsessive on that, though i am holding back on eating as much as i should be. i was doing fine... then this past week with all the stress of school and home and... *sigh*... so yeah.

as for my parents: they better watch out: one more time and ... ooh... they don't even want to know.

*sigh* i guess everything else is... tolerable? i would love to say I'm dealing with it. i can't. i am really only supressing it- and we all know how well that works with me: i seem fine for a while, then end up breaking down somehow or another. Frankly I don't know how to deal with this crap: i'm not sure I ever did. There's just so much going on... I don't know what to do anymore about any of it. I feel so hopeless and desolate... blah. I'm supressing everything so much I'm not even sure exactly what's wrong anymore. It feels like there's nothing to look forward to... i just wish I had something to look forward to at least. *sigh* bleh: i don't know. whatever. i guess i'll just continue "dealing" with everything or whatever. *shrug*

so far...

ok- well- things have been going better- i am not near as stressed out about everything as i was at the beginning of the school year. so thats awesome. i'll break everything down tho-

school itself- well- so far i have all a's, so i'm happy bout that- i haven't even been putting all my energy into it... woohoo!

um... anorexa/bulemia: i haven't thrown anything up since my last post- so that is great. eating... well... i have been at home- but not at school or football games. but i have been eating- i could stand to eat quite a bit more- but i'm eating.

cutting- haven't cut since last post. again- awesome.

bpd- not often- i think the meditating helps with that

depression/bipolar crap- um... well- i've got it under control- for the most part. as much as can be expected under the circumstances i guess.

ocd- still really... weird. i dont pay attention to that much cuz it isn't all life-altering and crap... yet... *hums*

ppd- not a ton- every once in a while i get excessively suspiscious of somebody- but not often.

so overall- everything is going pretty well- yay me!!! woohoo...

so i'll post if something changes- hopefully for the better-

equations, absences, and vodka
Julie

since school started/ a full confession

::sigh:: wow- this is going to be great...

yeah- well- the first day of school was sort of a kick in the ass bringing me back to reality. or maybe it was bringing me back to my dream. frankly i don't know. but it was different- and not necessarily in a good way. i don't know- just a lot of stuff ... feelings... materialized when i went back. some things are different, some things are the same. i'm one of the things that has changed though- this summer... just altered my whole outlook, insight, my whole perception of everything. i am more quite (in a way) a bit more introverted. I find myself staring off into outer space more often. i am more serious about school. just... so much.

unfortunately- some things haven't changed- such as the presence of my anorexia/bulemia shit, and depression, and manic-depressive/ urc bipolar crap. the first full week of school was shitty as hell. monday- came home- got depressed. had suicidal thoughts. momentarily- i got over it though. talked to carrie on the phone. tuesday- not only had suicidal thoughts- got suicidal. i cut (yes i know- stupid stupid stupid). again- talked to carrie. i was fine for a while. then i started carving over the veins on my left wrist. then i spread it out and cut a tree design into it. it looks cool as hell- but the method wasn't the best. again- went through a calm period. then the night b4 last night... i just- broke. i don't know. i cut again- went back over the tree design. cut on my stomach. cut various lines and x's and crosses on my left arm. the words "i want to die!" on my right arm. ::sigh:: i was a mess. i'm in a calm period again. for now. my life just hasn't been that great. *bitterly laughs* as you can tell...

as for the anorexia/bulemia stuff- that's just effed up. i don't eat breakfast- lunch consists of 3-5 fries and either lemonade or tea, supper is either a cup of rice (yes, i measure it), or a piece of toast or various snacks. maybe fruit or a vegetable or something. i don't know. i still have that low self-image/self-worth complex crap that is fucking with my life. stuff is so shitty. bleh.

um- my depression is wreaking havoc by maximizing all the stuff i said above. ppd is going away. ocd is not helping with the a/b crap. bpd i am not even bothering with fighting it or whatever. sometimes i "blank out" for a couple of hours... i don't know. it's weird, cuz when i cut- it is partially to feel a physical pain i can stop when i want to, and partially to tell myself that i am really here. My life seems so bad every once in a while i have to find ways to convince myself that i am not in a nightmare or something. and even then- it's so crappy, i want it to be a nightmare or something so badly, so that all this pain is just imaginary. so i "blank out", "space out," whatever the hell you want to call it- just to escape for a while. but... then my hold on reality seems so... thin. like i can touch it- but only through a veil- that is distorting everything. i don't know.

everything is so messed up now. but i am dealing with it. mainly by suppressing it, or putting my emotion in to my piano, or into lyrics for the band... i haven't written poetry in over a month. i guess i don't bleed that color any more. the words just don't come when i try, when i don't try... it's only to fit the music that floats up from somewhere in my head. writing music is my sanguine water now. everything else seems as insignificant as a handful of dust...

this low self-image

well, in an attempt (a lousy one, i think) to sort out my feelings about... well... everything about myself, i'm going to explore my past. blah blah blah... moving on-
---
well, you'd never believe it, but i used to be confident. i used to like the way i looked, thought i was talented, thought i was smart. not in an "i'm perfect and better than everybody else" way, but in a factual way. i didn't think i was beautiful, maybe pretty, but i accepted the fact that other people thought i was. i wasn't constantly putting myself down, though i was constantly trying to improve myself. the whole perfectionist crap was already going on then. i think the last time i was really like that was probably 6th grade. well, i thought i could stand to lose about 2 or 3 lbs, but that was it- not all "must be at least 15 lbs underweight or i'm obese" type thing like now... blegh. anyway-

when i started going out with John, that guy who tried to rape me, we were ok, but then... something happened. another guy got interested in me, and John got jealous, cuz i was actually paying attention to him. not flirty or anything, but we hung out. he threatened to beat the other guy up if he paid any attention to me, so he quit. Which i understand. In any case, he got worried that i was going to leave him, possibly for someone else. He got really paranoid, and didn't let me hang out with any other guys. Because, somehow, to my complete beffuddlement, guys like me. Almost every guy I get close to, friendwise, ends up liking me as more than that. *sigh* which I STILL do not get. whatsoever. but back to the story- he also thought that i was going to start thinking that i was too good for him and would leave him bc of that. So he started to put me down. He'd tell me that i should be happy that he wanted to go out with me, bc nobody else ever would. He would sit there for hours and just tell me over and over, that i was stupid, wasn't talented, i was ugly, i was fat, i was useless, i was worthless, i wasn't contributing anything to the world except for somebody else to help pollute everything. he told me that unless i lost a couple lbs, he would dump me, then i would be alone. after a couple, it turned to more and more. every time i was around him alone, or even around a couple of friends, he would put me through this crap. if he ever saw me eating anything other than a salad, he would tell me i was getting even more fat, didn't i care how i looked? it was complete bs. my mom wasn't helping much at the time either. whether i was inside or outside the house, i was getting crap thrown at me about how i wasn't good enough, i was never good enough. i would never amount to anything, nobody wanted me, and for those who put up with me, i better please them, or i'd be alone for the rest of my life, bc nobody gave a damn about me. i spent all of my time trying to improve myself, not bc i wanted to, but bc i didnt want to be alone, and i was absolutely convinced that unless i did all that, everybody would leave me, abandon me, hate me. my perception was so effed up then. but thats the way i felt.

even after john and i broke up, and my mom quit about my weight (or at least lessened the frequency of them) that way of thinking still stuck with me. thus my crappy self-image now.
---
well... i can't say that that helped... but i can't say that it hurt... whatever- i got it out.

starvation, bunnies, and ink-
Julie

insanity is coming back to claim me

well... or maybe it's leaving. depends on how you look at it and what actually happens during the school year. i think it is a mix. i won't be bored to death, so i won't have time to dwell on all my imperfections and reflect on the past and get all effed up. but then again- i have a feeling i will be obsessed with school this year and being perfect, and i have been more introvertive lately. so i really don't know how that is going to work: we'll have to see.

i dont think i've developed any new pd's since last time with the ppd. hm... and i am dealing with most of them. depression still gets to me- along with the bipolar. bpd is not horribly bad. schizotypal isn't bad either. anorexia and bulemia- i will plead the 5th on for now. ocd is um... ask carrie about the peanuts to get an answer on that. everything else is pretty much under control.

you know you're pretty bad off when you list 7 things that are wrong with you, and then state something about 'everything else'... i have a lot of issues.

well- justin is probably sure i'm insane now, having seen the bunny page. but i told d i wasn't going to do bunnies anymore, so that obsession is over. now- on to kitties and squirrels!!! woohoo...

yeah- um... can i see a psychiatrist? i think i might have a couple of issues i might need to work out. don't want to make it so that justin has two psycho ex-gf's... poor justin.

...poor justin? poor me...

*sigh*

another internet test (i'm bored- can you tell???)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

just you average internet test...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 58% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Histrionic |||| 18% Narcissistic |||||| 22% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Dependent |||||||||| 34% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 62%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

the past week

lately has been so messed up- my bpd is starting to act up again- and some other stuff... in any case. the main thing is that i am continuously trying to 'escape' this reality- but it is all (well... most of it in any case) subconsciously. things in a way seem so bleak right now, but with a tinge of hope- though it constantly seems to be in danger of being obliterated. i don't know what i am doing- half of the time i am trying to fight receding back into my mind. I don't know- its not really that bad... but its not better than it was earlier- going back to school in a month should help. i am still trying to keep busy by volunteering at the library a ton and talking to carrie and david all the time- but i can't keep that up forever. i don't know. whatever. i'll deal with it- just like i always do- always have done. but i still have to wonder how long i can hold out- im not invincible, far from it- as i've already found out multiple times...

what i find excessively interesting...

... is that i have been so busy lately- i have been too busy to pay attention (much) to any or my disorders. i havent had many noticeable mood swings, i've been eating- a ton more than i even healthily should (literally- not in my anorexic view), and havent been purging, my low-self-opinion still pops up- but only when i am writing profiles for my new whatever i got. blog, xanga, myspace, tod, etc. i guess i should really just stay busy. unfortunately i can feel them hiding there- waiting for the right time to surface and take over again. i think tho, that during this school yr i will be swamped- i am planning on actually doing my homework at home rather than homeroom or lunch or whenever- there are all my lessons i have to go to- and all my other curricular activity crap. not to mention trying to keep up with all my blogs, xanga, online diaries, ... etc. i dont feel like naming all of them again. too many times ive had to do it in the past wk. in any case- if i keep busy- constantly busy- maybe it will work- but unless i continue to fill the summer with volunteering, having carrie and rachel constantly over, and ending up with 100 blogs, xangas, myspace, tod, etc, i feel i might fail utterly. in any case- i'm ok... well, better, ... now, so... yeah.
i'll post when i start going insane again, lol.

wait- david's the one whose insane- i'm just plain f*cked up. hehe

is it worth it?

well- i was supposed to have an appt with my shrink again next wk- but it isnt really worth it- so i told my dad not to bother. then he got mad saying- you made me waste all this money and you're not getting better. and went on to rant... basically saying the equivalent (if in a roundabout way) that him spending money whould immediately make me get better. ::sigh:: i dont know what to do about that- they never pay attention to my problems- which are constantly being shoved in their face, until i tell them i od'ed a week b4 school started last year. my doctor had even told them to their faces that i was over 10 lb under weight when i went to a check up, and they were like- oh, its the build of her body- she's fine. even when i told them i had been tossing any food i ate- they still were ignorant- they have to wait until i tell them i took 50-something to 60-something pills until they take any notice of the fact that my life (lie) was anything less than perfect. right. ::sigh:: sometimes i wonder if they care about me so much as care that i dont tarnish their appearance by marring their perfect record with 'daughter comm. suic.' whatever- they dont care about me- i dont care about them either. and any time i did- i was just wasting my time.

Intervals

hm... the last time i saw my shrink was ... may 3rd i think??? that was what- two months ago??? tomorrow in any case- but woohoo- big deal 24 hrs... yup. i wonder if i'll ever see her again. david thinks i ran her off. i'm not that bad, am i? god, i hope not. i mean- the whole bunny thing is a bit... weird... and... off... and some of the stuff that goes thru my mind... well... maybe i'm a little insane... possibly.

in any case- i don't think she was helping that much anyway- not that i gave her much of a chance anyway- even if she could. i didnt tell her $hit that was going on- like ANYTHING whatsoever. I mean, it's not like i want to be this way for the rest of my life- with no regard to how long or short that might or might not be. that would be a really crappy way to live- i know- considering i've been doing it for the past... oh... about 2-10yrs, depending on which aspect you're going to look at. and it only seems to get worse- so... not much luck on just outgrowing this stuff. don't you just it when ppl say 'it's just a phase- you'll get over it' that's what my parents thought about the whole 'goth' look- hehe. right.

hehe- if i ever see her again i should show her a couple of my poems... maybe a quote or two- or possibly a 'bunny's philosophy'... or blurt out my whole life story in one long run-on sentence. or maybe i should just let my 'intense' eyes penetrate into her soul and set her on fire... hehe- fire good, cross bad...

purple, speakers, and chipmunks- sayonara

What the he11 is wrong with me? why am i the way that i am? i ask myself these questions everyday, yet i never receive an adequate answer. I am still left to ponder over why i am anorexic, bulemic, bipolar, schizoid, a soc. phobic, depressed, ocd, ppd, bpd, and add. I remember the days back when i was 4 and had no idea of what those words meant, let alone what role they would play in my life. even though i have 'dealt' with these problems for a while, the longest being anorexia (3 yrs) the shortest ppd (2 months)... ok, so ppd hasn't been that long- i have had time to adjust. and i know that i am overreacting- no matter whether it is the anorexia factor, the ppd, or my emotions raging out of control, but i still cant overcome it. there is too much of my mental crap going on for me to single out one thing. and not to mention that they are all inter-related. its all a tangle up in my mind, i have so much going on- so much distracting me... if i were to try to single out one problem to work on, i would be making myself susceptible to giving in to the other things- which i can't risk- so i have to give in a little to each and try to balance out which ones i can afford to devote less time to. but giving in a little has turned to giving in a lot. and im not so sure i can distinguish between the important ones and the more important ones anymore. im so close to breaking, but no one can ever see it. i have this flawless shell that i put up- this perfect facade- that says 'i'm ok' and smiles a plastic smile to reassure you. i am rotting inside- my soul, my heart, my mind. my being... yet i won't let you see it. bc to let somebody else know would make it final. it would be saying, 'yes, there is something majorly wrong with me', and i can't do that. i couldn't deal with the knowledge that this isn't just an extremely realistic nightmare. i so desperately want this to be all in my head- but in a way, i am already right. all that is wrong with me is in my head, but i can't let it escape into the outer world. i have cut myself off from society. its like i have two different personalities- each has its own dimension that they live in. One is the life i live now- disturbed, with all the problems and issues i mentioned earlier. the other one is one where as i was growing up, i never had any problems, was a normal teenage girl with the perfect life (tho it is more like the perfect lie)- and that is the face i show to the world. the other one stays hidden in a small dark room in the back of my mind. that one only comes out when i am alone- or with a select few ppl. david, carrie, stewart, sarah, ari, rachel... 6 ppl know the real me that hides behind glassy eyes living off of self-induced hallucinogens. sometimes when i am sitting in my room- i just... drift... i dont know how to describe it. its like, i am sitting in my room, in this state between awake and asleep- tho to me it feels like life and death- and i will be in both 'dimmensions' that i have created. i know that in truth i am sitting in my room- with the life that everybody thinks i am ok, but it also seems like i am in the dimmension where i am not ok, and dont have to act like it. sometimes i put myself into that state- sometimes i cant control it whatsoever... the thing is, i never 'get up and leave the room' in my alternative reality, i just sit on the bed. im not sure i want to. i have spent hours there at a time... i am just afraid that i may get there and not be able to get back... i am losing my life in the lie i want to be living. and it is having consequences- major, negative consequences. i dont know how much longer i can put up with this. it just started getting this bad when school started having its toll on me- about a month and a half ago- the last 4 1/2 weeks were really bearing down on me. i had concert after concert, test after test, one trial after another. everything together just sorta- broke me. i couldn't deal anymore. so i made a way to deal with it. but not necessarily a good one. i just feel the need to... figure out something so that i dont go over the edge- i am already hanging on with my fingertips. one more thing and i slip and fall- and i dont know what the bottom is-... or, for that matter, if there even is one.

its been a really long time...

it has been a long time, hasn't it??? so much has happened. i came extremely close to just doing it (you know what i mean) a couple weeks ago. i haven't seen my shrink since may 3, and my next appt is june 20. apparently i have developed a paranoia pd (personality disorder) and my ocd is up. i just have to do everything perfectly now- i am never satisfied with anything anymore. im sorta freaking out bc so much is happening in such a little time. i cut about 2 wks ago. my anorexia isn't much better. bulemia is threatening to rear its ugly head again. ugh. so much to deal with. i guess i'll just have to try harder to cope with everything. its just so much and its so overwhelming... *sighs* oh well. what can i say? the price of being insane.

finally have time for an update

i know, i know, i haven't written for a while. please forgive my lack of dedication to a stupid blog when i had other more pressing matters at hand to attend to. you see, lately i have had to deal with some problems with my bf, some problems with my friends, some problems with my parents, some problems with myself, and some problems with my depression/suicidalness. so, as you can see, i was pressed with other things.

well, i have gone to my shrink several times now- everything went pretty well. until she decided we made enough progress to go for 2 wks without an appt. bad, bad, bad idea. all we had really talked about was my communication with my mom, which is so not the main problem here. basically i broke. literally, broke- i cut, got anorexic (majorly) and bulemic, v. depressed, and to the point of suicidal. Lets just put it this way- i was on aim chatting with stew, and it got to the point where i stormed off and he was getting ready to come over to my house to try and stop me, bc the phone was busy. yeah, not good, not good at all. in any case, i am over that, a little. still pretty depressed and all. the thing with my shrink is that i talked to her alone for the first time- was a bit awkward. oh well, im sure it will be happening a lot more now. lol (or not)

i love/hate stew. stupid cd- still listening to it. thanx a lot stew (meant both ways)!!!

anyway, i cant get into much detail now, just having a hard time dealing with... everything i guess. which isn't really that good. im sorta having to succumb to some of the smaller stuff (cutting, anorexia, the occasional bulemia) to survive the harder stuff (suicide, or coming really close) plus i dont want to have to convert back to and smoking and drinking and stuff like i did before, just to keep my spirits up. even though my health was down. isn't life ironic today.omg, this is getting me so depressed, im going to go do ....april fools....
...no, really...

umm...
does it really surprise you that much that I don't really know what to say about my first time to go to a psychiatrist, or as it happens to be, a licensed professional counselor? All i know is that I feel like stabbing something, really hard, and watching it bleed. All so that I can feel happy that there's something else bleeding besides me. Yeah, I know, weird. But hey, it's me, so...

The tables really got turned though. For once in the emotional conversation, I wasn't the one crying. Weird. But, really, I can't get into much detail about what went on for my 'rents, just me. It's that whole confidentiality crap i have to do.

As for what went on for me. Not much. I just tried talking and tuning my parents out and what they would think out as i talked. Then, when they talked, I detached myself away from... myself... (sure, we'll go with that), and watched it from "a distance"......
ummm...

Yeah, there was actually a lot of repressed hostility (what would the people of NP say to that?!?), and a lot of other emotions flying. I am actually pretty good at withholding my emotions when i put my mind to it. Which is cool. I ought to do that more often.

What more is there to write? I have another appointment next Tuesday (an a-day again, my spanish grade is going nowhere but down) at 3:00. so, unless i have any deep profound revelations before then, (in the words of my good friend Rachel), "peace, love, and hot tamales!"

its been a while

Well, it HAS been a while since I posted in here. But lately I have been getting worse. Luckily though, I should start getting better a little while after March 2nd, because that is my first appointment. Then, you can start checking this more regularly, say, once every week, or every other week, whenever I write about my appointments, and any AMAZING breakthroughs that might happen.
Any way, til then...As my friend Rachel would say, "peace, love, and hot tamales."