another internet test (i'm bored- can you tell???)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

just you average internet test...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 58% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Histrionic |||| 18% Narcissistic |||||| 22% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Dependent |||||||||| 34% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 62%

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the past week

lately has been so messed up- my bpd is starting to act up again- and some other stuff... in any case. the main thing is that i am continuously trying to 'escape' this reality- but it is all (well... most of it in any case) subconsciously. things in a way seem so bleak right now, but with a tinge of hope- though it constantly seems to be in danger of being obliterated. i don't know what i am doing- half of the time i am trying to fight receding back into my mind. I don't know- its not really that bad... but its not better than it was earlier- going back to school in a month should help. i am still trying to keep busy by volunteering at the library a ton and talking to carrie and david all the time- but i can't keep that up forever. i don't know. whatever. i'll deal with it- just like i always do- always have done. but i still have to wonder how long i can hold out- im not invincible, far from it- as i've already found out multiple times...

what i find excessively interesting...

... is that i have been so busy lately- i have been too busy to pay attention (much) to any or my disorders. i havent had many noticeable mood swings, i've been eating- a ton more than i even healthily should (literally- not in my anorexic view), and havent been purging, my low-self-opinion still pops up- but only when i am writing profiles for my new whatever i got. blog, xanga, myspace, tod, etc. i guess i should really just stay busy. unfortunately i can feel them hiding there- waiting for the right time to surface and take over again. i think tho, that during this school yr i will be swamped- i am planning on actually doing my homework at home rather than homeroom or lunch or whenever- there are all my lessons i have to go to- and all my other curricular activity crap. not to mention trying to keep up with all my blogs, xanga, online diaries, ... etc. i dont feel like naming all of them again. too many times ive had to do it in the past wk. in any case- if i keep busy- constantly busy- maybe it will work- but unless i continue to fill the summer with volunteering, having carrie and rachel constantly over, and ending up with 100 blogs, xangas, myspace, tod, etc, i feel i might fail utterly. in any case- i'm ok... well, better, ... now, so... yeah.
i'll post when i start going insane again, lol.

wait- david's the one whose insane- i'm just plain f*cked up. hehe

is it worth it?

well- i was supposed to have an appt with my shrink again next wk- but it isnt really worth it- so i told my dad not to bother. then he got mad saying- you made me waste all this money and you're not getting better. and went on to rant... basically saying the equivalent (if in a roundabout way) that him spending money whould immediately make me get better. ::sigh:: i dont know what to do about that- they never pay attention to my problems- which are constantly being shoved in their face, until i tell them i od'ed a week b4 school started last year. my doctor had even told them to their faces that i was over 10 lb under weight when i went to a check up, and they were like- oh, its the build of her body- she's fine. even when i told them i had been tossing any food i ate- they still were ignorant- they have to wait until i tell them i took 50-something to 60-something pills until they take any notice of the fact that my life (lie) was anything less than perfect. right. ::sigh:: sometimes i wonder if they care about me so much as care that i dont tarnish their appearance by marring their perfect record with 'daughter comm. suic.' whatever- they dont care about me- i dont care about them either. and any time i did- i was just wasting my time.

Intervals

hm... the last time i saw my shrink was ... may 3rd i think??? that was what- two months ago??? tomorrow in any case- but woohoo- big deal 24 hrs... yup. i wonder if i'll ever see her again. david thinks i ran her off. i'm not that bad, am i? god, i hope not. i mean- the whole bunny thing is a bit... weird... and... off... and some of the stuff that goes thru my mind... well... maybe i'm a little insane... possibly.

in any case- i don't think she was helping that much anyway- not that i gave her much of a chance anyway- even if she could. i didnt tell her $hit that was going on- like ANYTHING whatsoever. I mean, it's not like i want to be this way for the rest of my life- with no regard to how long or short that might or might not be. that would be a really crappy way to live- i know- considering i've been doing it for the past... oh... about 2-10yrs, depending on which aspect you're going to look at. and it only seems to get worse- so... not much luck on just outgrowing this stuff. don't you just it when ppl say 'it's just a phase- you'll get over it' that's what my parents thought about the whole 'goth' look- hehe. right.

hehe- if i ever see her again i should show her a couple of my poems... maybe a quote or two- or possibly a 'bunny's philosophy'... or blurt out my whole life story in one long run-on sentence. or maybe i should just let my 'intense' eyes penetrate into her soul and set her on fire... hehe- fire good, cross bad...

purple, speakers, and chipmunks- sayonara