better- or getting there

ok- well: i think i am actually getting better. when i went down to ms i wasn't thinking about my weight or cutting or anything. my cuts have healed btw: so obv they weren't that bad. i dunno: actually i think i am having a better view overall of my life right now. i'm more optimistic. not as negative. i don't think i am going to purposely put myself thru all this shit anymore: why should i? *sigh* yrs wasted. i'm not saying i am going to turn over a new leaf in one night. the progress will be gradual. but it will be progress. i could use it. also: i think i am not going to cling to things causing me pain or anguish anymore: no matter how much i am attached to it. and i'm not talking about being attached to the pain and anguish. more of ... memories of how things used to be on that subject. what i think i am going to do is try to rid myself of my painful memories and things that are causing me pain now... well: not so much as rid myself of the memories: but resolve those matters. and the things causing me pain now: either drop them or resolve them also. they are holding me down: holding me back. i can't move on unless i release them. this will be my resolution. my goal is to do all this by the new year: a time of new beginnings truly. we shall have to see how it goes.

Blunt opaqueness of my life...

ok... well. today was interesting... so was sunday for that matter... last sunday i mean. but yeah.

last sunday my dad walked into the living room while i was watching tv. he held up two razor blades i was missing (yeah, i was cutting again: yes, i know it sux, yes i should stop: i know exactly what you're thinking. i will: but stuff has been bad lately: and yes, there is nothing productive gained by it. but yeah: i was an idiot... again.) and said "what are these?" as if it wasn't obvious. and i was like "razor blades", he said "what were you doing with them?" "cutting" said i, (lol: i am in a weird sense of humor right now: shut up), then he asked where, when, i told him, then he asked if he could see them, i was like hell no, he asked if i wanted to talk, i was like if i wanted to talk, i would have done that b4, so no, and could he go away the commercial was almost over. so yeah...

then, last night he made a humongous deal out of me going to bed, and i was like "why do you make a big deal out of me going to bed and not the cutting crap or the anorexia or bulimia or any or the other stuff, he was like, should i? omg... anyway... so yeah, since i wanted to and he didn't care or whatever... or it was less important than the fact that i should go to bed, i went ahead and cut again (yes, i know, stupid stupid stupid... i get the idea now, ok?) and then this morning he came into my room, and asked about cutting, asked when the last time i did it was, and i was like..."well i'm not sure if it was last night or this morning... somewhere in that time frame." and he asked why i didn't talk to him. so i was like "1, you can't relate, 2, since you can't relate, you can't help, and 3, since you can't help, it's pretty much a pointless waste of time."... yeah. i have been really blunt with my parents lately, simply bc of the fact i don't care anymore. about that in any case. i mean, i want to get better, don't get me wrong on that account. but i don't care about hiding stuff from them as much anymore. they can deal with it. plus i am nowhere near as bad as i was in the 8th grade... joy. but yeah. *sigh*

i wonder if the same thing is going to happen next sunday...?