ok- this is something both carrie and stew know. and it's really crappy. but yeah.
anorexia/bulimia: i haven't eaten over 750 cals a day since a couple weeks ago. or at least, not without throwing quite a bit of it up. this past week it has been (with the exception of sarah's party) all under 500. i could list every single thing i've eaten if i wanted to. but i don't. if i gave you my food diary url, you would think that you could eat all i've eaten in this past week in a day and not be worried about it. but i worry about even that much. it's ridiculous. i hate it. but i can't stop. and i hate all the people out there who claim they care about me and then try and say something stupid like "just eat a sandwich and get over it". *sigh* but yeah. and there are some side-effects from me not eating that are showing up prominently now. for those who don't already know: i'm not telling you. don't feel bad.... it's just hard.
cutting: i haven't been doing this. thanx to carrie. plus the last time sort of scared me. i didn't want that that night. not that i haven't wanted it b4 then, or even after. but yeah. crappy: i know.
everything else: my life is depressing, a bore, it seems to be a waste of time to me. when becca killed herself, i thought that it was horrible the way people were reacting: not that they were sad, but that she would do that to people who loved her. i don't blame her, but ... i think you could get my gist. but i keep thinking, if i killed myself: who would miss me: they might mourn, then move on. they would probably forget me in a couple years if not sooner. so what dif would it make? but yes, i know: ppl care, they would be sad, they would mourn. they would remember. even though i think it would be a waste of their time. *sigh* i don't know. but i'll be here for a while. yup: i'll be here for a while.
not much else: well: just the norm... but yeah.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
i can't speak for anyone but myself, although i do know alot of people that would probably be pretty damaged if you died. i, presonally, have grown to the point where i wouldn't be able to just mourn and move on. i'm not exactly sure how i'd handle it, i just know it wouldn't be good. you mean alot to me.
do you remember what it is that made you go back to this sort of behavior? for a while it seemed like you were doing better.
Post a Comment