nothing...

well- last night was lovely… yup… by now- you should get that very few (if any) of the things I write on this blog are good. so yeah…

ok- last night… I got really really depressed. there’s so much going on in my life. just stupid stuff- get to that later. but yeah- I let one thing get to me, and it made a hole in my wall, and everything else came flooding through. I end up cutting. badly. very badly. my hand turned really pale, my pulse was weak (these were all cuts on one arm. ) I was going to start on the other hand, but then I closed my hand into a fist: it was cold. really really really cold. like ice just taken out of the freezer. I sorta freaked… then thought about would it be so bad to die? but then, I thought yeah. I have stuff I want to do. and it seems a bit… not selfish… but not considerate of other people who do care. the last thing I am is inconsiderate. I still debated it for about 4 hours or so though. obviously I didn’t do it though… but yeah…

okay- something else. my parents know I’m cutting. they see the bloody tissues, do they do anything? not really. my dad will confront me about it about 3 months after the fact. one time he confronted me about it, and wanted me to give him the razor blades, and I said “what difference will it make? I’ll find something else to cut with. big whoop.” so I got to keep my blades. uh-huh.

I’ve burned a bit lately too. like- I get the urge to cut, instead I go get a paperclip and light a candle, hold the paperclip in the flame til its white and press it against my flesh and watch it melt. great- huh?

um… I haven’t been eating much. it’s like: a bag of cheetos and a slushee for lunch. maybe cheetos for an afternoon snack, or maybe skittles, or maybe nothing. in the evening it’s either nothing, 1 mini-pizza, or cereal. half of the time I ruin whatever I am going to eat so that its less appetizing. I throw up after a certain amount. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for even thinking about eating. if I eat, I want to cut (and you see how well that goes). I started my pro-ana website again. and my food blog. if you want the addresses- too bad. no fucking way am I giving them to you. deal.

um... yeah.. i'm constantly depressed. stew is the only one who sees this right now: i really can't stand to put up a facade 10 hours a day, so i settle for 8. the minute i get to school it's on with the plastic smile and "everything's great" attitude. i don't talk to carrie that often anymore. she's occupied with timmy. which is ok... but... i don't know. she's the main person i talked to... and now... there's noone. i mean... there are people.. but. i just felt at ease with carrie. i talk to david about some stuff. i quit talking to stew a while ago. plus david has enough of his own stuff to deal with- he doesn't need to hear my crap too... even though he will probably read this sooner or later... lol... i think...

um... the voice has become more like... 3 overlapping ones. constantly reminding me of how i am worthless and no one should be wasting their time on me and how i'll never be enough, and i'm fat, and stupid, and not talented, and will never amount to anything: i'm a failure. i always will be, always have been. i don't deserve to be strong, i don't deserve to cry. i don't deserve to live or to die. it doesn't matter. i don't matter. i deserve to suffer for all my flaws. suffer forever. continuously fool those around me that i'm fine. that i am happy, while i am slowly dying and killing myself on the inside. i don't deserve to have people care about me, let alone worry. I don’t deserve anything.

so yes- my life is wonderful. a perfect dreamland. please don’t pay attention to the tears on my cheeks, be blinded by the perfect broken smile I have on my face, and the lies I give you: that I’m ok. you don’t need to be burdened by my screams, or my scars, or the blood that is slowly spilling onto the floor. forget me. I shouldn’t matter to you anyway. forget me, for I am nothing…