So deep...

This is how I've been feeling lately: don't take any of the self-mutilation seriously: thx to the deal with carrie, I haven't been doing that shit: Here goes---

So deep... I didn't even feel it, the blade on my skin releasing my hopes and fears to the outside world to leave me so empty that I quickly filled up with tears. I didn't even reach for you... when you turned to walk away to leave me so alone and so alone it was so quiet I could have heard a pin drop if it weren't for all the voices in my head telling me I should die and never feel again. Never feel the pain from all these broken promises and dead dreams of sitting silently in a corner of darkness, holding my shattered soul. The jagged pieces biting into my flesh to pinch and make me scream with despair "why?" My soul rises to the sky: rises to the bait and I fall to the ground, bruised and pale. Shards of glass so small they embed themselves in my skin and I can't pick them out. Pick out my life: disect it till it falls apart on the table: the tiny threads holding it together snapping. My blood, my vitae spilling over onto the floor. Falling so deep into the void I couldn't scream. Catching me off guard, red-handed with my nightmares about me. Catching me as I fall... I... I need this more than air. The need to feel a beauty so ephemeral it lifts me from this muck, from these hands fingers nails clawing at my soul. I'll... I'll be just fine pretending I'm not... but this is all that I've got: this shell, broken porcelain doll I have created to protect me and shield my heart. Lock it away and cover it with stone and keep it far from the surface: drowning it in an unempathetic silence to harden it to its core. Stop it from beating. If it doesn't feel it doesn't hurt, and I'm losing this inhibiting physical body, and the heat, the warmth, that comes with it. Dropping the pounds to try and rise into the clouds of fluffy razor blades and hot needles on skin, melting it away to be free. And I... I need something else: that you can't give: won't someone please pity me. Feed me the drugs that are called so deadly to release me from this pitiful existence. Give me a knife to cut away these chains, to cut away these veins so deep I didn't even stop to remember to breathe...