Everything is falling...

It is, you know. Crumbling all around me: threatening to kill me: burying me underneath it. Don't even want to try anymore. At all.

I haven't been eating much lately: though not necessarily of my choice. For some reason, the talk I had with David when he first got back reached through to me. The "beautiful" actually hit me this time, and absorbed into my consciousness. Though i won't agree with it, it won't go away. and thus i am now back up to 107. Which is less than a week ago, but that was out of my control. Stupid surgery.

i have been hallucinating the past couple weeks. this is including prior to the medicine i am on now. in fact: i've only seen one thing since being on the meds. but yeah: i'll start seeing manifestations of the different aspects of my personality, or mentality, or my ideoligies will solidify into viewable forms. it really is disturbing. Mainly, they'll beat me down, and verbally abuse me. Tell me I'm worthless and all this good stuff. It's only one at a time... but I constantly have those voices in my head. layers on layers on layers.... screaming at me.

I cut the day before my surgery. It was once: not deep, across the wrist, along with the words SHUT UP underneath. i think i was directing it toward the voices.... or my parents. possibly both.

i am paranoid that my life is being orchestrated by people, who are filming me and that my life has been a form of entertainment on tv to people. Like "The Truman Show" with jim carrey. Either that, or people are putting me to all these tests to observe, or study, the reactions of humans. so yeah... also, i was paranoid yesterday that my root beer float was trying to kill me. no joke. *twitch* so yeah.

*sigh* i think that's pretty much all.... lol. make it sound so trivial....