Borderline Personality... great. I already knew I had it, but it's like, until reading Get Me Out of Here I wasn't seeing how it manifested itself. it would seem that the cause for everything else, the mood swings, the depression, the self-mutilation, the attachment issues, the eating disorders, everything, stems from borderline personality disorder. I don't know about the book version, but the movie, Girl, Interrupted, did not do the disorder justice.
I haven't hurt myself in a little while, but the impulse has been there. Cutting, burning, etc. It would be so easy just to reach for that razor blade, or the lighter and needle. To have all the disonance suddenly muted, the chaos suddenly gone, all focus centered on that piece of flesh, the immaculate pain being the only existence. I could stop when I wanted to, I could start when I wanted to. And it was only me.
I haven't been eating that much lately, though not through any consious effort. I did find myself browsing a pro-ana website yesterday though. It brough back so many temptations. I printed out a goddamn calorie chart. I checked my bmi. By the way, I've gone down from 117 to 113: not too much, but if it continues...
Drugs aren't really a problem now: neither is smoking. It's like a cig every 4 days to 11 days, just depending.... it's taking me forever to run through a pack.
I still am not happy with myself. Period. In any way shape form or fashion. It's retarded.
But at least I'll be able to escape my parents' shit in a couple of months...
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