17.2-1.2=problems

Last night I weighed 117.2 pounds. Jesal had a scale in her bathroom, and I couldn't stop myself.

This morning it was 116. Stupid, I know, to check it twice within 12 hours, but whatever. I wanted to know.

And that immediately made me think "Only 1 more pound to 115, then 5 to 110, then ten to 100..."

And that made me think "Only one more pound to STUPID"... so yeah....

Weight scares the shit out of me, but not just the weight itself anymore, just the numbers. I know I've talked about this before, but it's still a prominent issue in my life.

I dunno, I guess the number 89 still has a nice sound to it, but I know that ME at 89 is fucking scary. I do like to occasionally think about being 110 again (reality, not just the number), cuz I don't think that 5-8 pounds off (depending on what kind of day it is), won't hurt me that much.

But then I think, and I know that if I did hit 110, there would be a day where it was 109. And that day, I would think, "If I could get down to 109, I can definitely get down to 105." And thus would start my demise.

Don't ask me why weight is such an important factor in my life. I don't care how others perceive me. It's all how I perceive myself. Which is evidenced in the fact that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, around me is telling me that I look fine, but I still don't believe it. It's so fucking retarded, but that's how things go.

Jon thinks I could stand to gain another couple of pounds. But I know that if I hit 120 before I am pregnant (stupid I know), or at least before I am twenty years old, I will spaz, and constrict my eating until I am down to 110. My reasoning for that was that I would have to get down to my previous weight, and then lose some more as penance for letting myself get that "out of control."

My bmi right now is 20.5 (i think). Healthy is between 18.5 and 24.5 I'm at the top of the lower third of that scale. 101 would put me at 17.9. Stupid. 110 would put me at 19.4. Ok. I really am liking the sound of 110.

But again, do i need this? No. It would be nice, but weight isn't so important to me right now that I actually do something to alter it. So, fluctuating between 115 and 119 it is.

J-fucking-oy.