Blah-ness

So, lately, Jennifer, Julie, and JJ have all just sort of stopped bickering all the time. I don't know why: maybe it was rolling with Jon, or the sessions with Rachel, but I'm not really sure. Either way: voices in my head have been substantially less.

However, I have been getting a lot more mood swings: from like really energized and hyped to just tired and desolate. Apparently it is "annoying" Jon, which is sorta pissing me off. I don't know: I guess I sort of expect a better response from him than that.

But that's not the only thing that is getting to me. I don't know, I guess I sorta think that after he leaves, we are going to be pulled apart somehow, and so in preemptive strategy, I am trying to push him away by my choice than having him torn from my grasp. But that is just hurting both of us, because I don't like having him an arm's length away. I have gotten so used to having him there for me, it's not that I didn't appreciate it, but maybe I didn't do so for its full value.

And another thing. I don't really know how to put it, but for some reason I'm just getting really discouraged about this relationship. I think it has something to do with the movie that I wrote last night. I was really fucking stoned and I ended up coming up with this movie entitled "The Love Life of a Teenage Borderline." It was supposed to be an autobiographical novel, but the movie is turning out so much better. But basically I took the events of my life, twisted them a bit, and reordered some of them, in order to prove my point about borderlines: not that I know what the fuck that is yet. It is a loose interpretation of my life, and how it got me to where I am now. Actually, the movie went up all the way to 2014, but whatever.

In any case, I've been reliving a lot of the past betrayals guys have pulled. And it's really just pissing me off. And some of that resentment ends up getting placed on Jon, and really none of it is his fault, he's just an innocent bystander. But I guess I feel the need to put the blame on someone, and none of those other guys are here now, so it has to go to the next-closest thing. Which is bullshit. *Sigh* I hate how my fucking mind works. Can I kill it please? Like, really, please.

But the past couple of days, our relationship has felt bipolar: we're either fucking awesome, or else I just can't be around him, can't talk to him, am resenting him for shit that's not his fault. And it's really getting to me. It's not like I enjoy this. But I don't know what else to do.

And I keep finding myself wondering how I got here. What happened? Where did I stray from the beaten path?

I don't know what to do. I really fucking don't. I pretend to have all the answers, all the solutions, just to convince myself that there is a way to overcome ALL of this. But you know what? I don't know squat, and I'm just winging it.

I think it is the movie's fault though. Because I was going through all of my relationships, abusive and nice, naughty and neat, everything. And I just keep living that abuse over and over and over and over in my head, and it won't fucking go away, no matter what I do.

It hurts, and it's like the one person that could probably help me the most, I am pushing away, because what can help, can hurt. And letting Jon inside is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't know that I could let him go without the walls shattering. The foundation might still be there (the whole thing about it wasn't Jon making me feel I had worth, but he SHOWED me that I had worth instead, so that even if he wasn't there, I could still do it for myself), but other than the foundation, I think it would all crumble to dust.

Sometimes I hate that I love him this much. It just makes it that much harder.