this low self-image

well, in an attempt (a lousy one, i think) to sort out my feelings about... well... everything about myself, i'm going to explore my past. blah blah blah... moving on-
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well, you'd never believe it, but i used to be confident. i used to like the way i looked, thought i was talented, thought i was smart. not in an "i'm perfect and better than everybody else" way, but in a factual way. i didn't think i was beautiful, maybe pretty, but i accepted the fact that other people thought i was. i wasn't constantly putting myself down, though i was constantly trying to improve myself. the whole perfectionist crap was already going on then. i think the last time i was really like that was probably 6th grade. well, i thought i could stand to lose about 2 or 3 lbs, but that was it- not all "must be at least 15 lbs underweight or i'm obese" type thing like now... blegh. anyway-

when i started going out with John, that guy who tried to rape me, we were ok, but then... something happened. another guy got interested in me, and John got jealous, cuz i was actually paying attention to him. not flirty or anything, but we hung out. he threatened to beat the other guy up if he paid any attention to me, so he quit. Which i understand. In any case, he got worried that i was going to leave him, possibly for someone else. He got really paranoid, and didn't let me hang out with any other guys. Because, somehow, to my complete beffuddlement, guys like me. Almost every guy I get close to, friendwise, ends up liking me as more than that. *sigh* which I STILL do not get. whatsoever. but back to the story- he also thought that i was going to start thinking that i was too good for him and would leave him bc of that. So he started to put me down. He'd tell me that i should be happy that he wanted to go out with me, bc nobody else ever would. He would sit there for hours and just tell me over and over, that i was stupid, wasn't talented, i was ugly, i was fat, i was useless, i was worthless, i wasn't contributing anything to the world except for somebody else to help pollute everything. he told me that unless i lost a couple lbs, he would dump me, then i would be alone. after a couple, it turned to more and more. every time i was around him alone, or even around a couple of friends, he would put me through this crap. if he ever saw me eating anything other than a salad, he would tell me i was getting even more fat, didn't i care how i looked? it was complete bs. my mom wasn't helping much at the time either. whether i was inside or outside the house, i was getting crap thrown at me about how i wasn't good enough, i was never good enough. i would never amount to anything, nobody wanted me, and for those who put up with me, i better please them, or i'd be alone for the rest of my life, bc nobody gave a damn about me. i spent all of my time trying to improve myself, not bc i wanted to, but bc i didnt want to be alone, and i was absolutely convinced that unless i did all that, everybody would leave me, abandon me, hate me. my perception was so effed up then. but thats the way i felt.

even after john and i broke up, and my mom quit about my weight (or at least lessened the frequency of them) that way of thinking still stuck with me. thus my crappy self-image now.
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well... i can't say that that helped... but i can't say that it hurt... whatever- i got it out.

starvation, bunnies, and ink-
Julie