since school started/ a full confession

::sigh:: wow- this is going to be great...

yeah- well- the first day of school was sort of a kick in the ass bringing me back to reality. or maybe it was bringing me back to my dream. frankly i don't know. but it was different- and not necessarily in a good way. i don't know- just a lot of stuff ... feelings... materialized when i went back. some things are different, some things are the same. i'm one of the things that has changed though- this summer... just altered my whole outlook, insight, my whole perception of everything. i am more quite (in a way) a bit more introverted. I find myself staring off into outer space more often. i am more serious about school. just... so much.

unfortunately- some things haven't changed- such as the presence of my anorexia/bulemia shit, and depression, and manic-depressive/ urc bipolar crap. the first full week of school was shitty as hell. monday- came home- got depressed. had suicidal thoughts. momentarily- i got over it though. talked to carrie on the phone. tuesday- not only had suicidal thoughts- got suicidal. i cut (yes i know- stupid stupid stupid). again- talked to carrie. i was fine for a while. then i started carving over the veins on my left wrist. then i spread it out and cut a tree design into it. it looks cool as hell- but the method wasn't the best. again- went through a calm period. then the night b4 last night... i just- broke. i don't know. i cut again- went back over the tree design. cut on my stomach. cut various lines and x's and crosses on my left arm. the words "i want to die!" on my right arm. ::sigh:: i was a mess. i'm in a calm period again. for now. my life just hasn't been that great. *bitterly laughs* as you can tell...

as for the anorexia/bulemia stuff- that's just effed up. i don't eat breakfast- lunch consists of 3-5 fries and either lemonade or tea, supper is either a cup of rice (yes, i measure it), or a piece of toast or various snacks. maybe fruit or a vegetable or something. i don't know. i still have that low self-image/self-worth complex crap that is fucking with my life. stuff is so shitty. bleh.

um- my depression is wreaking havoc by maximizing all the stuff i said above. ppd is going away. ocd is not helping with the a/b crap. bpd i am not even bothering with fighting it or whatever. sometimes i "blank out" for a couple of hours... i don't know. it's weird, cuz when i cut- it is partially to feel a physical pain i can stop when i want to, and partially to tell myself that i am really here. My life seems so bad every once in a while i have to find ways to convince myself that i am not in a nightmare or something. and even then- it's so crappy, i want it to be a nightmare or something so badly, so that all this pain is just imaginary. so i "blank out", "space out," whatever the hell you want to call it- just to escape for a while. but... then my hold on reality seems so... thin. like i can touch it- but only through a veil- that is distorting everything. i don't know.

everything is so messed up now. but i am dealing with it. mainly by suppressing it, or putting my emotion in to my piano, or into lyrics for the band... i haven't written poetry in over a month. i guess i don't bleed that color any more. the words just don't come when i try, when i don't try... it's only to fit the music that floats up from somewhere in my head. writing music is my sanguine water now. everything else seems as insignificant as a handful of dust...