well, if you read dreamless-slumber, you'll know that i almost fainted a couple of times yesterday. it really sucks. i haven't been eating a lot. i know: i should be. i just can't help but feel that i am fat. i'm down around 103 lb. and... it feels good. it shouldn't. it really shouldn't. but it does. and it frustrates me to the bone. literally and figuratively. but it's like: everything else in my life is out of control: and this i can control: and get the results i want out of it: and yes, unfortunately, i do want them.
i haven't cut lately: thought i've wanted to... i just need some way to get things out. and to tell you the truth: it was better when i could balance cutting with burning with starving and purging with drugs. because then i would never really go out of whack and overboard with any one particular thing. i could do one, then the other, and alternate, and never really wear myself out. but now, all i've got is starving myself. and it really sucks, ... but yeah. that's the truth of the matter.
not much else is going on. still trying to figure out the bridge to "broken reflection" we'll see how that goes. maybe i can write some more and get some more outlets.
2 comments:
yeah, that one can become a hard habit to break once you start. i'm refering to using control of something about yourself or others to make yourself feel better. but you cant always have control over thisit will either run your entire life or kill you. in fact, although it probably feels like control the situation could best be described as out of control. i think you should try to realize that you really don't have control over these things so you should stop letting them control you. i think i know you well enough to know you don't honestly like being paranoid about your weight all the time. and your right, writing is a better coping mechanism.
i don't necessarily do it to make myself "feel better"... but to be able to have control over something in my life. it's really hard to explain. and, weird as it sounds, i do have control over the eating, in a way. but sort of: that's what it's all about. unfortunately. but yes, it also has a hold over me too. ah... well. and you're right: i don't like being paranoid about my weight all the time: it shucksh ash. major ash.
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