What the he11 is wrong with me? why am i the way that i am? i ask myself these questions everyday, yet i never receive an adequate answer. I am still left to ponder over why i am anorexic, bulemic, bipolar, schizoid, a soc. phobic, depressed, ocd, ppd, bpd, and add. I remember the days back when i was 4 and had no idea of what those words meant, let alone what role they would play in my life. even though i have 'dealt' with these problems for a while, the longest being anorexia (3 yrs) the shortest ppd (2 months)... ok, so ppd hasn't been that long- i have had time to adjust. and i know that i am overreacting- no matter whether it is the anorexia factor, the ppd, or my emotions raging out of control, but i still cant overcome it. there is too much of my mental crap going on for me to single out one thing. and not to mention that they are all inter-related. its all a tangle up in my mind, i have so much going on- so much distracting me... if i were to try to single out one problem to work on, i would be making myself susceptible to giving in to the other things- which i can't risk- so i have to give in a little to each and try to balance out which ones i can afford to devote less time to. but giving in a little has turned to giving in a lot. and im not so sure i can distinguish between the important ones and the more important ones anymore. im so close to breaking, but no one can ever see it. i have this flawless shell that i put up- this perfect facade- that says 'i'm ok' and smiles a plastic smile to reassure you. i am rotting inside- my soul, my heart, my mind. my being... yet i won't let you see it. bc to let somebody else know would make it final. it would be saying, 'yes, there is something majorly wrong with me', and i can't do that. i couldn't deal with the knowledge that this isn't just an extremely realistic nightmare. i so desperately want this to be all in my head- but in a way, i am already right. all that is wrong with me is in my head, but i can't let it escape into the outer world. i have cut myself off from society. its like i have two different personalities- each has its own dimension that they live in. One is the life i live now- disturbed, with all the problems and issues i mentioned earlier. the other one is one where as i was growing up, i never had any problems, was a normal teenage girl with the perfect life (tho it is more like the perfect lie)- and that is the face i show to the world. the other one stays hidden in a small dark room in the back of my mind. that one only comes out when i am alone- or with a select few ppl. david, carrie, stewart, sarah, ari, rachel... 6 ppl know the real me that hides behind glassy eyes living off of self-induced hallucinogens. sometimes when i am sitting in my room- i just... drift... i dont know how to describe it. its like, i am sitting in my room, in this state between awake and asleep- tho to me it feels like life and death- and i will be in both 'dimmensions' that i have created. i know that in truth i am sitting in my room- with the life that everybody thinks i am ok, but it also seems like i am in the dimmension where i am not ok, and dont have to act like it. sometimes i put myself into that state- sometimes i cant control it whatsoever... the thing is, i never 'get up and leave the room' in my alternative reality, i just sit on the bed. im not sure i want to. i have spent hours there at a time... i am just afraid that i may get there and not be able to get back... i am losing my life in the lie i want to be living. and it is having consequences- major, negative consequences. i dont know how much longer i can put up with this. it just started getting this bad when school started having its toll on me- about a month and a half ago- the last 4 1/2 weeks were really bearing down on me. i had concert after concert, test after test, one trial after another. everything together just sorta- broke me. i couldn't deal anymore. so i made a way to deal with it. but not necessarily a good one. i just feel the need to... figure out something so that i dont go over the edge- i am already hanging on with my fingertips. one more thing and i slip and fall- and i dont know what the bottom is-... or, for that matter, if there even is one.