the past week

lately has been so messed up- my bpd is starting to act up again- and some other stuff... in any case. the main thing is that i am continuously trying to 'escape' this reality- but it is all (well... most of it in any case) subconsciously. things in a way seem so bleak right now, but with a tinge of hope- though it constantly seems to be in danger of being obliterated. i don't know what i am doing- half of the time i am trying to fight receding back into my mind. I don't know- its not really that bad... but its not better than it was earlier- going back to school in a month should help. i am still trying to keep busy by volunteering at the library a ton and talking to carrie and david all the time- but i can't keep that up forever. i don't know. whatever. i'll deal with it- just like i always do- always have done. but i still have to wonder how long i can hold out- im not invincible, far from it- as i've already found out multiple times...